Living in the Messy Middle
It is somewhat of an understatement to say that at this time we are in the “messy middle” of the COVID-19 pandemic—between what was and what is next. Church services were “normal” a few weeks ago, but now we are meeting online. Not long ago, we hugged and danced together; this week, we are engaged in electronic high fives and a dance that separates us rather than brings us together. Until recently, the world seemed certain of its future; now we are stockpiling toilet paper like our lives depend on it.
In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown describes times like these when we step into the “arena.” Arena times are those when leaders face significant challenges in leadership. Times when leaders need to lead and will feel both brave and fearful at the same time. When we find ourselves in times like these, Brown urges us to make a “commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle.” There is more to be said about Brown’s observations and where they do and don’t align with biblical principles, but I think they provide a window into some of the nuances of servant leadership in the arena. For now, let us hold on to any objections we may have and consider what we might learn.
Of course, we were fooling ourselves if we thought we weren’t already living in the messy middle between redemption and consummation. We have always been in the messy middle. But COVID-19 has brought it into sharp focus. As a coach, I am used to sitting with others in their uncertainties, but like everyone, this one has also engulfed me.
Of course, we were fooling ourselves if we thought we weren’t already living in the messy middle between redemption and consummation. We have always been in the messy middle.
I write this having been isolated to one bedroom in our small apartment for the last seven days, with at least another seven to come. What happens on the other side is still unclear as I leave my pastorate to become a full time Coaching Catalyst for City to City Asia Pacific.
When we find ourselves in an overwhelming messy middle, as we do now, it can seem impossible as church planters and servant leaders to consider Brown’s invitation to “lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with” the mess; to sit with it and acknowledge the fear, and move forward with the appropriate bravery. But I think there is a way.
Let us begin with our hearts. The following questions may alert you to what is going on in your heart:
What am I spending most of my time on at the moment?
What are my strongest emotions? Fear? Anger? Anxiety? We often respond with strong emotions when something threatens whatever our heart loves.
What do you fear losing?
What are your if-only’s? “If only I had ______, then my life would be better.”
What are you expecting from yourself, others, and God? Our should’s and ought-to’s often reveal what our hearts love.
You might like to stop and write some notes.
We start with the heart questions because of what we understand about our hearts—that "what the heart loves, the will chooses and the mind justifies.” In other words, our hearts’ desires have a profound effect on the way we act as church leaders. This is particularly true in times of stress—in arena times.
If my desire—my heart’s love—is for comfort, I will try to skirt around the messy middle, attempting to make things as comfortable as possible and avoid as much of the mess as I can.
Perhaps during the coronavirus outbreak, this search for comfort looks like simply replicating what we have done in services in the past in an online mode, or refusing to engage in any conversations that might involve vulnerability or generosity, or not being open and curious about how we might need to approach things differently in this season. After all, as pastors and church planters, we are often most comfortable with our existing roles. Change is uncomfortable. In this scenario, it would be possible to justify decisions about church practice theologically when we’re really protecting our love of comfort.
Perhaps another sign of a heart’s love for comfort is failing to connect with empathy to those in greatest need. Overwhelmed and in fear of losing comfort, we leaders could try to determine what a person needs ourselves rather than being “vulnerable and curious” about what they might actually want. Perhaps we’re offering toilet paper when someone actually needs a shoulder to cry on.
Another common challenge is the desire for leaders to be seen as the saviour, moving bravely though the mess like Moses leading people through the Red Sea. Unlike Moses, however, we might pretend we have no fears. We might charge through the messy middle and believe we can leave it behind, when what actually lies ahead is wilderness. Perhaps we want to have a spectacular online presence but neglect to shepherd, disciple, or act with mercy. Perhaps the urgency and energy we are expending to solve things is itself an indication that we are unable to live with the ambiguity of the messy middle.
we might pretend we have no fears. We might charge through the messy middle and believe we can leave it behind, when what actually lies ahead is wilderness.
Whatever our response, could this messy middle invite us to examine our underlying desires and misdirected loves in leadership? Could it expose our hearts and show us where we are less like Moses and more like Pharaoh and his hardened heart?
Perhaps what we need to hear at this time is that we will fail as leaders over the coming weeks and months. We will struggle with our fears and our desires to be brave. We will be imperfect in our servant leadership.
Perhaps we are being called to be present in the mess and repent. To hand over our burdens and entrust ourselves to another—to the one who is a true and better Moses, who not only walked through the waves but commanded them; who went into our wildernesses and came into the arena, into our mess. He knew what it was to fear and to be brave at the same time. He had a commitment to lean into vulnerability: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). He, in the midst of suffering, stayed curious: “Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting?” (Matthew 27: 45). And he remained generous: “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”(Luke 23:34).
It is this Jesus who we are called to entrust ourselves to, who continues to stick with us in the messy middle, even at the cost of his life.
Jesus was the only perfect servant leader in the messy middle. Because of his sacrifice, we are invited to repent, to receive forgiveness and to entrust ourselves to him. Jesus reminds us in this time of global stress and anxiety:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Entrusting ourselves to Jesus in the middle means learning to find rest for our souls, to carry correctly weighted burdens, to walk beside him, to be yoked.
In Titus, Paul says something similar when he reminds us that not only does the grace of God in Christ save us, but it also teaches our hearts to be obedient.
“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age” (Titus 2:11–12)
The promise is that, during times of challenge like these, the grace of God will continue to school us. It will continue to shape our desires and teach us to say no to the misplaced loves that have captivated our hearts. By his Spirit, we are empowered to be hopeful, to do what is good, and to find rest. As a result, we will be better able to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, and to stick with the messy middle—not because of what we have done, but because of what Jesus has done and is doing.
About the Authors
Roger Bray is the Coaching Catalyst for City for City Asia Pacific and Director of Coaching Australia. Roger recently concluded his ministry at Newtown Erskineville Anglican Church in Sydney Australia where he oversaw four congregations. Having been in ministry for the last 35 years, Roger has had lots of opportunities to be involved in planting, repotting churches and walking alongside those in Church leadership.
Roger is married to Jane, a social worker who is involved in Parakaleo, a program that supports pastor’s wives. They have two married children and one grandchild.